HEALING MILES

In loving memory of Teddy Fusco (1975-2017)

paving a path of hope, one mile at a time

When my brother Teddy died by suicide in May 2017, my family and my world shattered. Over the next three years, I worked through the complicated grief and trauma associated with surviving a suicide loss. Yet, I did not feel like a “survivor” at all. Instead, I felt like my world had stopped on that horrible day in May, leaving me to continue day by day reliving the memories and feelings. I felt like I’d lost my parents, who had suffered the greatest loss a parent could endure. I’d lost friends, who disappeared rather than face their own discomfort with a suicide loss. And I’d lost my health. After three years of living with insomnia and terrible coping skills, I was exhausted and overweight … and not able to participate in life with my own family. My husband James and my beautiful children (Jimmy, Abby, and Joey) needed me.

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the third anniversary of Teddy’s death occurred amid the Coronavirus pandemic. A global pandemic for which my brother would have been better prepared than anyone — with supplies, practical advice and help, and with his humorous outlook on everything. I found myself surrounded by family, but feeling terribly alone. And sad. And angry. So, I took my rescue dog Penelope and started walking to clear my head and to “talk” to my brother Teddy. At first, I could barely walk one mile without stopping. As time went on, Penelope and I ventured further and further, walking before dawn and after dinner each day, until my kids and I realized that we were covering up to 10-12 miles per day.

During this time, I continued attending support meetings offered through the Bristol County Regional Coalition for Suicide Prevention and the American Association of Suicidology. I’d attended a few in person; but as virtual meetings in quarantine, I was able to adjust my schedule to make attendance a priority. I also became an active participant in an online support group for suicide loss survivors. I felt heard and I felt seen. And not alone - so many families have been impacted by suicide. Yet, many suffer through their grief in the shadows.

Without realizing it, I started to feel better. I was sleeping better at night, losing weight, and felt lighter in spirit than I had in several years. And, I wanted to do more … In his lifetime, Teddy helped anyone in need. Now it was time to share his love with others.

Sharing love and comfort with #HealingMiles

Each year, I host a team for the Samaritans 5k Run/Walk for Suicide Prevention. In 2019, Team Teddy was the second largest team in attendance with 65 participants. With a virtual walk planned due to the Coronavirus pandemic, I knew that engagement would be difficult — even our team is much smaller this year. I had planned to make t-shirts with not just Teddy’s name, but also the names of others our family and friends have lost to suicide.  But, with a virtual event, I felt like this would be wasted and instead wanted to do something more. Something to bring awareness to the topic of suicide prevention and suicide loss survivor support. Something to honor Teddy’s memory.  

I posted in an online support group that for the month of September (suicide prevention and awareness month), I wanted to dedicate the first 5k of each day to my brother Teddy and Samaritans, but also to others we’ve lost. Within minutes, I received photos and names and stories about other survivors’ loved ones. I’ve also received messages from people I know who have been impacted by suicide, asking me to walk for their loved ones. 

Throughout September 2020, Penelope and I walked in memory of my brother and another person – and it feels like something my brother would have done because he was always helping others.  Always.  I’m glad that I can provide a small moment of comfort to someone experiencing this same pain. And, it helps me as well. 

#suicideawareness doesn’t end on september 30

I’ve continued walking (and now running) #HealingMiles since then … Because when September ends — and along with it the social media awareness campaigns — depressed and suicidal people still need help and suicide loss survivors still need our compassion and support.

And I will continue to walk #HealingMiles in memory of my brother and of others lost to suicide for as long as I am able. Follow my journey on Instagram (@jen.and.pen).

Learn about my brother, teddy fusco, jr.

Questions? let’s chat!

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